The way I see the world

Some people just won't be nice, no matter what you do..

2011-12-18T21:00:00.001Z

Some words of advice:

Never assume that just because you're nice to people, they'll be nice back.

Life doesn't work like that. It should, but it doesn't.

Recently, I had some troubles with several people. I won't go into detail, but what shocked me was that everywhere I went it seemed there was someone new having a go at me.

This goes back to about Year 8 or 9, when I decided just to be nice to everyone, no matter who they were. I figured this would make sure I wasn't bullied, hurt, or bitched about. It didn't. I knew over the years people said things and thought things about me, but they were minor and I let them go. I knew they were suffering individuals and kept on being nice.

However, these recent events have shown me how life actually is. I have always known that I have it better than lots of people in various ways, through none of my own doing. For instance, I'm naturally slim, I'm intelligent, I'm tall and I have curly hair I get many compliments on. I didn't choose these characteristics - I was just given them. I was made this way, however you choose to interpret that. I was also given two happily married parents with whom I get on very well, my own bedroom, a short walk to school and no siblings. Many people I know don't get on well with their siblings, and some probably get jealous of me because I don't have any.

What I have discovered about people I know now is that they finally had an excuse to have a go at me. I had found myself a wonderful boyfriend, and despite what I heard other girls say about us, I reckoned they were simply jealous. We'd get warned by teachers to tone down all the hugging, and everyone else jumped on the band wagon. Before I knew it, I was getting accused of all sorts - things that were irrelevant. I was told I acted like I was better than everyone else, and also that I didn't care about my friends. I did care, but only for the ones who were happy for me and weren't being nasty. What basically happened was four years' worth of resentment from other people all came tumbling out at the same time. I didn't see it coming at all, but I now realise it was going to happen sooner or later: if they'd said these things out-of-the-blue, they would've looked unreasonable.

What I've learnt from this is what I said earlier on: don't expect people to be nice to you just because you're nice to them, especially if you have things they don't or if you are things they're not. I have come to the conclusion that no matter what I do, there will always be people who don't like me. I will always be bitched about behind my back by somebody. I will always have people heckling me because of my hair. I will always have to defend myself against one accusation or another, and I will always have to be aware that I'm on a stage, and that there is always someone waiting for me to put a foot wrong.

So, to anyone who wishes that they were taller, slimmer etc., it isn't easy when you are. On the surface it is, I agree. I'm working my socks off in Maths at the moment to get an A*, but I know that if I didn't do anything I'd almost certainly get an A. I love that, but at the end of the day if you are feeling really hurt and down like I have sometimes, being clever doesn't always save the day. Being what people aspire to be is difficult and, until you build up a thick skin and tell yourself over and over again that people are just jealous when they say nasty things to you, it can be hurtful.

To anybody who feels they're in this kind of situation, I want you to understand that, bluntly, you will never be as accepted as much as the average person because you aren't the average person. You embody people's ideals and aspirations, often effortlessly, and in such a self-conscious and critical world, you are just too good.

I have never had girlfriends in whom I can confide my dreams and secrets, and I probably never will. I will have to live with that. But what I know I do have is knowledge of myself and awareness of how I'm different. I am not the average girl and I never will be; I've stopped trying to fit in and find friends to stand and wait with.

I'll damn well stand and wait there on my own. See you there :)

Using the Media to your advantage...

2011-12-08T17:45:00.003Z

Everyone has things they'd like to change about themselves, or things they don't like that much. With constant media bombardment, these insecurities can do serious damage.

But no matter how hard we try, we can't avoid the media. So why not use it to our advantage? Have a go at this:

Step 1: Define yourself.
Give yourself attributes relative to most other people or the average. For example, I could say:

I'm paler than most people
I have ears that stick out
I have curly hair
I have a nose that I think is a bit too big
I'm taller than a lot of people
I'm slimmer than most people
I wear glasses and don't want contact lenses

Step 2: Using these characteristics, think of some well-known and, most importantly, well-photographed celebrities.
Here's my list:

Being pale - Kristen Stewart. She's a great example.
Having sticky-out ears - Kristen Stewart again.
Curly hair - Taylor Swift, AnnaLynne McCord.
Big or awkward nose - Lea Michele (who mentioned she'd been urged to get a nose job by several managers!)
Being tall - Michelle Obama, Elle MacPherson, Uma Thurman, Taylor Swift, Khloe Kardashian.
Being slim - Taylor Swift, Elle MacPherson, Jennifer Aniston, Catherine Middleton.
Wearing glasses - This is more difficult, as it can be the current fashion to wear glasses even if you don't need them. This makes them more of a fashion accessory.

Some celebrities (such as, for my list, Kristen Stewart and Taylor Swift) could fit into more than one category. Frankly, the more the better! It will make the next step easier.

Step 3: Get searching!
If you want to find pictures of how celebrities similar to you dress up (e.g. at awards ceremonies), Google Images is a great place to start. However, if you want to see how they dress in relatively (we are talking celeb world here!) dressed-down clothes, it may be more useful to keep tabs on news articles about them. This is why it's important that the celebrity you choose to "study" is well-known and well-photographed. The Daily Mail writes a large proportion of its main stories on celebrities, so I recommend trying there.

Step 4: Observe
Over time you will be able to work out what does and doesn't suit certain celebrities and how you can pick what's right for you. At the end of the day, we don't have the money for expensive mistakes!

It's become a habit of mine to read the Daily Mail's online articles covering awards ceremonies. I don't care who won what, but I scan for celebrities like Taylor Swift, Jennifer Aniston and others to see what they chose to wear and whether it works for them or not. This knowledge has been invaluable for me because I've recently chosen my prom dress! I found a picture of Taylor Swift a while ago in a delicate, lacy dress that came to just above her knees. It highlighted her slim figure but not enough to make her look thin, and it complemented her gorgeous curly hair. I've modelled my "look" on that picture: I've got a blue, lacy dress that highlights my slim figure but not excessively, and it looks great with my hair... just like Taylor's :)

The aim of this whole exercise is that you can find celebrities that "match" you, and you can help yourself find the clothes, hairstyles and make-up styles that suit you. You might find you'd never considered wearing skirts, but a celebrity similar to you looks a million dollars in any they choose. Give it a try, and let me know what you think :)

I'm back! :)

2011-12-07T16:21:00.000Z

Back on here for the first time in ages! It's been quite manic :P I'm now in my final year of compulsory education (Year 11) and I'm currently in my mocks week.. it hasn't gone too badly because I revised :P However, I'm absolutely shattered now, and I'm very much looking forward to the Christmas holidays!

This is also my first post as a sixteen year old! I feel I'm getting to where I'm meant to be now. My mum has always said I was born to be the age I'm at now up until my twenties. As she puts it, "I never got on with being a child", which is quite true. I'm 5'10" and haven't grown much in the past few years if I'm honest, so I spent my younger years taller than everybody else and unable to fit into any appropriate Halloween costumes, which put paid to trick or treating. In addition, my boyfriend has just started the sixth form at my school (he's in the year above) and so I've been thinking more about what I'll be doing next year. These mocks have been interesting because I've discovered which subjects I'll devote hours to revising and which I won't. As you have to do a lot more independent learning in the sixth form, it's worth considering this! At the moment I have one definite choice: Biology. I've wanted to do it since I started my secondary school in Year 7 and although I have had my moments, I still love the subject, especially the human body and how it works as it has direct applications to my everyday life. Maths is another subject I'm considering. I sat my mock calculator paper today and it was brilliant; everything (nearly) that I knew how to do :D

I'm also considering doing Economics and Psychology, but these aren't definite yet. I remember at the end of Year 9 when we chose our GCSE options I disengaged with the subjects that I wouldn't be taking, and I guess in some way that's happening again now. This time though it isn't so good because I have exams next year in several :P

I'm going to be posting more now so if you've enjoyed reading my blog please follow it as they'll be more posts soon :) Comments welcome :)

Love to you all! Xx

I surrender. I really do.

2011-05-27T19:06:00.000+01:00

So hi, once again. I'm not even going to attempt to do a catch-up post right now as it's been about five/six months since I last posted and lots has changed. I won't bother to describe it all as I said because it would just take too long.

However, I thought I'd write this promised post about a moment I had in my History coursework lesson yesterday. Bit of background info here first :P

I do History for GCSE.
We finished our coursework today at 3:05 (thank something for that! Jeez, it took forever!)
Our coursework was on the development of Kenilworth castle and we went on a trip there last month.

So, on our visit we were filling in several pages in our booklets and flipping back and forth between them as Miss pointed out different features. I had the unpleasant experience of finding a squished fly inbetween two pages as I flipped back at one stage, and it has been known since then as "The Squished Fly Page" :P At the time the irony of this happening to a Buddhist was not lost on me. I apologised profusely to the fly for killing it and then resumed my note-taking around it.

So there I was yesterday, sat in our History room looking through pages and pages of information on castles and hurriedly writing down what I could. I'm going to point out here that while we've been doing our History coursework, I've also been doing Geography coursework, Food coursework, GCSE exams in Biology, Chemistry and Physics and revision for my English exams in June, and I couldn't wait for the week to end so that I could have a week off for half-term (it's now that moment and I'm ecstatic :])

I was reading and re-reading the notes I'd written on a certain century's developments and trying to keep the idea in my head that if I didn't do too well on this coursework then it wasn't the end of the world because I probably won't be doing History at A-Level. I don't know why, but I found my eyes drifting to the fly. Then it hit me: it'd been there as a hint the whole time. As soon as I started to worry about my coursework when we were at Kenilworth, I accidentally squished the fly. For those of you who may not know, I'm a Buddhist. A principle by which I try to live at this critical moment of my life is that we will all die at some point. What actually matters? I'm a clever kid, I know this very well, but does it matter if I don't get straight A*s? So what if I completely fail History? It's only one GCSE. I'm doing about 11 others! I've said all along that I want A*s in Biology, Chemistry, Physics, Maths, Geography, R.E. and I.T., and a good grade in English. Typing it out is actually making it clearer to me :P I have friends and "friends" who'll do better than me and they won't hesitate in telling me, but let them. I know the key to life. We'll all die someday and like money we can't take qualifications with us, so screw 'em. I'll do the best I can but that's all, I can't give any more. A friend of mine was so nervous this morning about our Physics exam and she refused to talk about it afterwards. It's so sad to think that this sort of nervous behaviour is what my headteacher was praising in assembly yesterday. Seriously. He told us the "swots" and the "boffs" were the lucky ones because they could see the bigger picture. Urm... no! They're doing that only because that's what you told them to do. They're drones, Sir, not kids who can see the bigger picture and who have a vision as you say. Get real.

Going back to the fly, I had a lightbulb moment when I realised why that fly was there. It was to show me that it wouldn't be the end of the world if this coursework was awful (it was) and if it got a painfully low grade (it probably will). I just needed to keep a calm and peaceful mind and I would be ok. I handed in my coursework at 3:05pm today and I was certain I was probably going to do badly and possibly get a rollocking for my trouble (then again, I don't think most other people in my class did much better) and you know what? I walked out of school and when I got to my friends I threw my hands in the air and cheerfully yelled at them: "I've just completely failed my History coursework!" And I don't care. No voices in my head telling me I should've done better, no guilty feelings like I used to get in these situations, no. Nothing :)

So, here's the post I promised you. I hope you enjoyed reading it, comments welcome :) Love to you all xx

Christmas plans, snow and the media

2010-12-22T15:43:00.001Z

Well hello again :D

It's been snowing relentlessly for the past few days :/ I had an friend round on Sunday when the snow was "fresh" and we had a great time, but the snow wouldn't clump together properly so we couldn't build anything :( We had a snow fight which basically entailed throwing a lot of snow at one another in the hope that at least a third of it would get somewhere near us :P

Everyone's a bit annoyed with the snow now though. It's now in the stage where it gets compacted and some bits turn to ice or go slushy, making the general experience of life miserable. A lot of my friends have deliveries they need before Christmas Day for presents that they think may not arrive in time and a lot of plans for meeting family etc have had to be abandoned because it's too dangerous to travel :( My grandad as you might already know was meant to be coming down to our house for Christmas but that doesn't look too likely now because he's about 200 miles away and the roads could be gridlocked anyway. It'll be weird without him but hey, that's the way it is. Here is something that I feel helps in these sort of situations:
"If you can change a situation, then there's no point in getting upset. If you can't, then there's still no point".
This backs up the principle that anger solves nothing. I could get cross and unhappy that I won't see my grandad over Christmas but it won't make the snow disappear. I should just accept that that's the way it is and it probably won't change :)

Right, the media :P I guess the way I write my posts is that I just write about all the issues I'm thinking about on any one day, and they may not relate to each other that much. But hey :P

Mum and I went across the road to the Co-op earlier today and as she hunted around for various things I did what I always do and head to the magazines to read the headlines. I saw one (I can't remember which magazine it was) that had a massive title across the front quoting Cheryl Cole: "I'm too fat for America" with caption saying she's vowed to lose 9 pounds. What is this obsession with body mass?! It's ridiculous and unhealthy. One particular bugbare of mine is the "post-baby" feature on a new mother. I don't care if you've lost all your "baby weight" two weeks after giving birth - what's the rush? You have just brought life into the world, a new human being who is relying on you completely, and you are choosing to crash-diet and only care about how you'll look if pictures of you find their way into a glossy magazine. I think it's despicable. I've heard that the crash-diet-after-baby way of celebland can actually reduce the quality of the breast milk that you could be giving to your child. How unbelievably selfish!

In addition, spare a thought for all the couples in the world who see you plastered across the front cover of "Hello!" or "OK!" that are desperate for a baby. What if they are going through lengthy adoption or fostering processes to complete their family? They would give anything to have a baby, and a mother in that situation, in my opinion, wouldn't care how quickly she lost the "baby weight" because she'd have her longed-for child right in front of her. Having a baby is not an excuse to show yourself off as a woman who can have the exact same figure as she had pre-birth. Thinking of this in a biological view, how can a woman's body look exactly the same as before after she's had a baby?

And it's not an ideal that's easily achieveable either. These celeb mums can have personal trainers, nannies, cleaners etc. at their disposal with a click of their fingers. Ordinary women don't have those luxuries and they are expected to think they should look like a celeb does months after giving birth. It's just wrong.

I have friends at school who think they're fat when they're obviously not. I look at them and wonder how they could ever say that - do they really believe that? How is it possible?

The diet-obsessed world of celebland has secondary effects. For instance, girls and women can feel so insecure that they are at risk of developing eating disorders. They can feel they're not good enough if they don't look just so and have their hair just so. They can have low self-esteem which can significantly affect their later life by what jobs they apply for, how they behave and react in relationships and what partners and friends they choose.

I feel girls and women are now tarred with the same brush as people who only care about their looks, their body mass and the latest goings-on in celebworld. I don't want boys to think that I'm going to ask them to dreaded question of "does this make me look fat?" or "do I look fat in this?". In fact, I don't think I live up to many of the generic girl traits. For example, when it rains I refuse to put my bag over my head and run for cover because I hate what doing that stands for. To me, it would make people think I was shallow/superficial which I most certainly am not, and it's also major attachment. If I straighten my hair it takes an hour and a half at least (no exaggeration) but even if I had straightened hair and it rained I wouldn't run. That's just how I work.

Wow, this has been a long post :P But I feel things are off my chest now :)

Have a great Christmas, I doubt I'll post before the day. Have a great 2011 too! Much love :)

A Christmas Revolution & Political Grumblings

2010-12-13T20:00:00.001Z

Well hello! I haven't posted in a while, to be honest life's a bit up and down at the moment and there hasn't really been much of significance to write here.

I said last time I think it was that I was wondering what to do for Christmas presents and cards. I've decided to write out a couple of cards and give little presents to a few select people :)

A friend of mine and I had a debate the other day over the general uselessness of our current government. In my opinion, the Tories are much too loyal to the rich minority (apparently they want to repeal the fox-hunting ban which is disgraceful and blatant obedience to the rich) and they seem intent on screwing over anybody who isn't rich enough.

The Liberal Democrats came across as too good to be true before the election and it seems that they were. As my dad put it the other day, Nick Clegg got a whiff of power and ditched his election promises. His party did so much work to get where they are now. Enjoy it while you can because thanks to the university fees debacle you shan't be here again for a while. It saddens me to think of how Nick Clegg sold himself out. I watched the election coverage and the debates around the time of the election and it was extremely clear that Nick Clegg and David Cameron were very cosy and also that if the result was a hung parliament then it would be Tory-LibDem. The Tories were never going to form a coalition with Labour were they?

Therefore, Nick Clegg, in an interesting twist, found he was in a very enviable position. He could request a fair amount from the Tories in return for the LibDem support to achieve a majority in the House of Commons. I'd like to know why (after making university fees such as huge part of his election campaign, even going around talking to students specifically as to why they should vote for him) Nick Clegg did not demand that he would be able to keep that promise if they entered into a coalition. I read a headline the other day that said that the LibDems - especially Nick Clegg - stood to lose about half of their voters (a fair amount of them students too) as a consequence of the university fees u-turn. It was hardly surprising really, I would've said more than that. He said it was a hard decision to make, but if he had his figures so accurate before the election, how come suddenly fees have to rise and there's no way around it?

My friend say he was supporting Labour from now on because he didn't like the Tories or the LibDems. I would say though that Labour shouldn't be supported just because they're the only party that hasn't mucked us about in these past few months, remember they were in power for over ten years before this coalition and they didn't exactly make things rosy did they? As some might say, rose-tinted glasses perhaps, when it came to the economy and the finances of this country.

Just in case I don't post before Christmas, I shall wish you all a happy Christmas and an amazing 2011 now :D Enjoy it! :D

Mindblowing R.E. lesson yesterday :)

2010-11-12T21:21:00.001Z

Hey, I haven't posted in a while, but I now have something great to share :D

Yesterday, I had a brilliant R.E. lesson. We were talking about the Inconsistent Triad Theory, as I believe it's called (see below) :).

Omnipotent - all-powerful
Ominbenevolent - all-loving

So, this triangle is inconsistent as how could you have an all-powerful, all-loving God but then still have evil in the world? So, here are some answer-type things:
1. God is powerful enough to stop evil, he just doesn't want to (therefore he isn't omnibenevolent).
2. God wants to stop evil but isn't powerful enough (therefore he isn't omnipotent).

That's the basic gist. Our teacher was saying "evil and suffering" so I asked him when he walked past me about the suffering part. I told him that I'd read (see Bits & Bobs) a quote (the Eckhart Tolle one) that said that the majority of human suffering arises from our state of mind. For instance, I said to him, if someone shouts at me, I could easily take it personally and suffer myself, or I could recognise that anger or upset etc is affecting them which is why they are shouting at me, and I wouldn't suffer. So, could you therefore say that suffering does exist (putting evil to one side for a minute) but that it is possible for it to not exist?

So, this was last lesson and predictably I walked in my front door feeling completely zoned out. Lessons like that one really make me want to do A-Level Philosophy and Ethics :) I was going to take P&E GCSE but there wasn't enough of an uptake to run it :( I'm now doing one of the compulsory R.E.s, but it's the more philosophical one :). There are two, and the other one's about animal rights etc, which quite frankly I have researched and turned inside out in my head over the past couple of years so it would be pointless for me to go over the battery-hen debate yet again :P

I thought I would share that as it was an amazing lesson :) I got chatting to a girl sat in front of me at the end of the lesson about vegetarianism and Buddhism, and it was a really nice conversation.

Also, we've been doing about Bangladesh floods in Geography. Bangladesh is a very poor country and the floods hit every year. I was talking to my close friend on the way home and we were discussing that the people in Bangladesh lose everything in these floods: their homes, livestock, family, food and possessions. They can't just leave; they are far too poor to do that. It really puts into perspective my worries over a trivial test or whether my hair looks crazy after I've been out in the rain and drizzle.

I hope this has made interesting reading, please feel free to post any comments about this :D

Happy thoughts, happy thoughts...

2010-11-04T20:26:00.000Z

So hi there, I thought an update was needed.

I haven't posted for a couple of days because I've been feeling a bit down about various stuff. Anybody I know could be reading this so I'm not going to say anything specific, it's just life was getting me down. Since starting Year 10, it's been test after test after test, interspersed with revision for more tests, assessments and homework too. I had to revise for a nutrition test which was just ridiculously stupid -_- and everything else was going wrong. I refused to let myself post because I want this blog to be happy (that's not to say that I think life is rosy all the time... I'll tell you now it can be absolute rubbish when it wants to be).

I guess you could count this as morbid but on Monday 1st it was 5 years since my nan died. It wasn't really an emotional day, as far as I know we were all ok. She's gone, that's it, there's no point getting sentimental on one certain day :P A lot has changed since she scooted off to be honest, and I've actually been finding the "occasion" quite amusing. She died of pancreatic cancer you see, and since Monday my Biology teacher has happened to make several references to the pancreas (we're learning about enzymes etc), someone mentioned lung cancer is History, you get the picture. Black humour :D

Ooh, also my mum made some chocolate cakes earlier, they were scrummy :D They came out of the oven a few minutes after I got in from school. She made 12 which means 4 each for her, me and dad. I had all four of mine while they were hot; she'd put choccie chips in them which had melted and gone gooey :P Then she gave me one of hers after dinner because she didn't want it... hehe :)

That's all for now really, more updates soon :D

TV, cats & minimalist grandads :P

2010-10-31T17:57:00.001Z

Wow, where to start :P

On Friday night, I watched a TV programme about silence. It follows a small group of people on a spiritual retreat where they're not allowed to talk, but they can draw, write, read and go out for walks. It was really thought-provoking. I went to bed but I couldn't sleep for ages because I was thinking about all the stuff I have in my room. For instance, I have posters and photos all over my walls along with ornaments on my windowsill. My room isn't untidy, it's just "busy". I've always thought of all that stuff as reflective of my personality, but now I'm starting to wonder whether it's unnecessary. I visited my grandad this weekend with my mum and dad. His house is clutter-free and tidy - he only has what he needs. If we admire a photo say, or a plant, he'll immediately ask us if we want it and that we can take it if we do. He makes me wonder why on earth I have so much stuff!

I don't have an awful lot of clothes, shoes etc, it's more the little things. I have bits of ribbon that I could use when wrapping up a present, receipts for things I bought ages ago, little plastic bags (I have a habit of taking new items out of the bag and leaving the bag to stay somewhere), you get the picture. It's a bit annoying that these thoughts have arisen in my head two days before the end of half term so I haven't got time to do anything about them e.g. tidy my room from top to bottom and chuck a load of stuff out :P. I'm sure I'll find time to do that next week though when I'm avoiding homework and revision :D

Moving on, it's Halloween tonight! It's far too cold for my liking though so I'm staying in. That's not really the reason at all actually, it's more to do with the fact that I can't be bothered ;) I've never gone trick-or-treating and I don't really think I'm missing much. Also, it'd be a little pointless to go collecting sweets anyway; sweets aren't my favourite things to eat and being vegetarian I can't even have some types because they have gelatin in them. That sorts out that one :P

Here's a slightly random but amusing thought :P Our cat, Smudge, can no longer hide behind "he's a big cat". He's just fat, that's the way it is. Dad bought him a plastic ball that has holes in it. We put food into it and the idea is Smudge has to work for his food.
1) He has to move around and exercise to get food to fall out so he can eat.
2) Knowing Smudge, he'll give up and will decide it's not worth the effort. That means he'll eat less and hopefully lose some lard.
This doesn't really seem to be working at the moment though - he's only interested if we roll the ball around so he can just eat it. That's not really how it's meant to work ;)

Hmm, what else... I think that may be it :) Toodle pip :P

Thoughts on Christmas

2010-10-29T13:31:00.001+01:00

Hello again :)

We've been discussing what to do at Christmas in our house recently. I'm stuck on what to get for my friends because I know they'll be getting me presents along with everybody else. I'd be happy if I agreed with my friends that I wouldn't get them anything and they wouldn't get me anything in return, just because I don't need any more stuff. Also, there are quite a lot of us in our group, and to get everybody a lovely present would just cost way too much. It's only October so I'm sure I'll be able to sort something out - famous last words. ;)

To be honest, what I love about Christmas is nothing to do with gift-giving. My grandad lives about 100 miles away but he always comes to our house for Christmas, when the four of us spend Christmas Day in the lounge with chocolate, TV and jigsaws. I wouldn't change a thing - it's a great way to spend Christmas.

The thing is, Christmas has become nothing more than a commercial occasion to most people. Even now, I'm noticing that people seem miserable. Maybe that's because it's getting cold now, but when I went shopping with my friend on Wednesday, the shops were already full of banners and posters screaming news about Christmas offers. It's October!

Christmas (in my opinion) should be a happy occasion when everybody gets together and enjoys themselves, but it now seems to entail almost military-style planning for women especially - planning presents for a ridiculous number of people, dealing with children on the day who have to be dragged to several houses of people they hardly know when they want to play with their presents, cooking a massive dinner and just generally holding the whole occasion together. Then there's the question of decorating houses and dinner tables and having to negotiate the politics of who is going to whose house and when. Then there are people taking offence when they aren't being visited on Christmas Day and they're getting Boxing Day instead. Where's the fun in all that? Everybody is just stressed and unhappy. I bet you that if you walked into a situation like the one I've just described you would not be able to find one person actually enjoying themselves.

Thank whatever that I've never had to endure all that. I count myself lucky and am proud to say I'll never want it in the slightest. That is why we're going for a simple Christmas this year, with the focus on time as a family rather than buying into the ideal. I'm in charge of tree decorating, and I'm wondering whether to bother doing it this year, though I guess it's nice to have the lights on in the evening, there's just something about it :')

I'm looking forward to Christmas :) I get two weeks off as well... even better! :D

Shopping & all the deep thoughts that come with it

2010-10-27T21:12:00.003+01:00

Hey :)

Well today I went shopping with a friend. It was a good trip, though as usual I didn't get much in the way of clothing as nothing really seems to appeal. It can get quite depressing sometimes when you think of how many shops there are :P Anyway, I don't like being depressed so I'm going to move on to something a bit cheerier :)

I did get a teal cardi thingy, it's lovely. Even better, it was a lot cheaper than I thought it'd be :D. I read the tag as £14.99 and decided that it was worth the money because I'd found something that I'd been looking for. Anyhoo, I got to the till and as she scanned it I re-read the tag and it said £12.99 - I don't know where I got £14.99 from :P Then, she said "£7.99 please" and I thought "Oh, thank you very much :D" and handed over a tenner. Result!

I must say though, I did get the usual sense of unease. Part of me is happy in jeans and trainers (standard outfit :P) and wonders why I bother because I'm happy with what I have, but another part wants to get new stuff and have a laugh on the way. I sway between these two thoughts. As with pretty much everything, I can never be fully committed to one idea. For instance, heels. My friend and I had a great time today messing about with shoes and I found some outrageously high heels and had a dance about in them (it was very funny). Getting back to the point, I would quite like a pair. Heels are a feminine thing and it can be quite hilarious when you're messing about trying them on. However, my inner feminist is objecting. Whenever you see "sexy" women, they're wearing heels. Music videos, adverts, magazines, you name it. It's the same with most clothes I see. A tight top or fitted jeans, heels or short skirts. One voice in my head says these clothes are oppressing, practically forcing women to conform to an eternally sexy and desirable appearance which is completely unattainable. However, another voice chimes in saying "So? Go for it, why can't you look nice?". These voices argue with each other inside my head all the time alongside all the other pairs of squabbling opinions I cart around with me. It's exhausting.

These ideas about oppression/self expression (you decide) apply to all sorts. For instance, I love wearing nail varnish. Right now I am sporting glittery blue nails in celebration of my holiday :) I absolutely adore how they look and I feel happy just looking at them. However, sometimes (usually when I really should be doing something else) I delve a little deeper. Why do I love wearing nail varnish? Is it really because having it on makes me feel happy or is it something else? Could it be that I get a bit more noticed or it makes me feel like a "normal" girl who's a bit girly or fashionable? I really don't know.

I read a book recently called Living Dolls: the Return of Sexism by Natasha Walter. It's a brilliant book and explores viewpoints for and against lots of issues affecting women today. I had opinions before reading the book and I came away really not knowing what I thought anymore, but in a good way. It opened my eyes to how women can be sidelined because of stereotypes. For instance, maths. It is a very male-dominated field and I can tell you that sometimes I feel that boys who learn maths alongside me are just better at it than I am, even though I do really well. The boys themselves seem to think they are better than us and that makes me more insecure. This book highlighted this issue and now I make sure I watch out for any media or stereotype that subtly suggests to me that I shouldn't be following such a subject. Why not?

I don't think I will ever have a solid opinion on these issues. Maybe that's my opinion. :)